(*Note: This post was originally a private message that I answered. The more I thought about their question, the more just giving a pat answer seemed disingenuous. Who knows what this person was going through to make them reach out? It's weird how the most important things are often the things no one talks about. I guess with that in mind, I thought I'd share...)
Q: Anonymous asked: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD OR SAD MOOD?
Q: Anonymous asked: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD OR SAD MOOD?
A: I'm no expert, but I can take a stab at telling you what works for me... First off, I try to redirect my focus to good things, to force the big picture into perspective. Anything that takes me to a different mental place helps: cute animals, music, funny videos, going for a walk in nature, talking to a friend, hugging someone I love, etc… Or even going to a different physical place - sometimes a new location makes it easier to really take in the magnitude of the sky or a forest or a mountain or the ocean, and I realize how small I am in comparison, and then my problems feel smaller too.
Not that I always succeed, but I *try* not to take myself too seriously... Life is truly inexplicable and awkward and frustrating and bizarre at times, and the best coping mechanism I know of is a sense of humour. That's the first key. Sometimes it's hard to know whether to laugh or cry, but given those choices, I'd say try to laugh. Charles Swindoll illustrated that so beautifully when he said, "Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional." I can't tell you how many times I've taken comfort in the fact that retelling my misfortunes in a funny way can at least provide amusement to my friends! Or else I can just blame them on all the brain injuries I incurred as a kid. You know how it goes... one minute you're at a sleep-over in a friend's basement, the next minute their parents' ping pong table falls over and knocks you unconscious...
Anyway, a smart guy I know suggested listing 5 good things that have happened today, and that really works to shift your frame of mind. It helps you see a more balanced picture. I think gratitude is the second key to happiness - remembering how lucky we are heals a multitude of perceived ills. Not to belittle what you're going through, but most of us in North America have never experienced hardship (like child slavery) that many around the world have. I just can't shake this feeling that it's almost bad karma to not appreciate our good fortune, since where we're born is just a lottery that we can't take credit for. I guess the point is not to allow focusing on what you don't have to rob you of what you do have.
Here’s a great story that I heard about today, for example:
The Mustard Seed shelter: 12 formerly homeless people in Calgary can now call a newly renovated apartment building home! ...Because they helped renovate it. http://www.globaltvcalgary.com/video/housing+first/video.html?v=2205039263&p=4&s=dd#video
But, okay - not everything can be laughed off. A more serious bummer requires just throwing yourself into some activity that consumes a lot of attention or energy. It can't be something passive, like watching TV, because your thoughts will just drift back to what's upsetting you. It's gotta be something active like playing sports or a musical instrument, or making something. It doesn't matter if it's painting a picture, building a shed, or baking a chocolate cake - just anything that takes your attention out of your own head. Intense card games can require a lot of focus, for instance. Whenever I visit my Dad, he always wants me to play some kind of epic strategy game. I usually resist at first, but then I get totally sucked into it.
Even if you don't play hockey or roller derby or ping pong or guitar, you can get into cheering for your local bands, teams, and theatre (or whatever floats your boat) - they'd probably love to have your support. Personally, I find volunteering for a good cause - like at a homeless shelter - super uplifting, because helping someone who really needs it is productive, and being productive feels rewarding. (But I also have friends who foster animals, etc.) Basically it reminds you that everyone has their struggles, and seeing some worse than your own is humbling, and makes it impossible to feel sorry for yourself. And there's something about helping to alleviate someone else's suffering, that also magically heals your own. It's mysterious, but it's true - I've experienced it firsthand. I think it's because we're all connected in this human race. (Between you and me, I think it's more of a gong show than an organized race, so... we're all connected in this human gong show!) Just don't for a second assume that someone who appears less fortunate than you isn't able to teach you a lot. There's a cool Scottish proverb that says, "Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat."
If humour and gratitude are the first and second keys to happiness, then I find compassion is the third. They seem to have an inverse relationship to anger or resentment - if you're increasing gratitude and compassion in your life, anger and bitterness are automatically forced to recede. I guess like Superman and Clark Kent, they can't occupy the same space at the same time? Anyway, the point is to remember that you're part of a community. Isolating yourself with those sad or bitter thoughts can only result in a shame spiral. I really think self pity and resentment work like acid to corrode our souls...
And when all of the above fails… courage, my friend. Courage is the final key. Some emotions, like grief, can't be sped up. They're with you for a long time. (Anyone who's lost a loved one knows that.) My philosophy is that life is like a topographical map - the low points are almost necessary to throw the high points into relief. It wouldn’t be right to take it out on other people - but sometimes... maybe we just have to feel bad for a little while? Maybe that's a natural part of the human experience... And trying to avoid facing it (ie: escape reality, escape consciousness) can lead to situations with worse consequences in the end.
Instead, maybe it's healthier to just acknowledge your feelings, and allow yourself to have them. Some people find writing in a journal helps to process. (Don't be too hard on yourself - with something like grief or overcoming addiction, it's likely logical that you feel the way you do. Maybe see if you can find someone who's gone through something similar, and ask them how they're managing.) But without some pain, would we know how to appreciate joy? When Abraham Lincoln said, "This, too, shall pass", he was referring to both good times AND bad times, since it's equally true for both. Even aside from any ideas about adversity building strength of character, I doubt happiness would have the same value if it were a static state of being.
But, okay - not everything can be laughed off. A more serious bummer requires just throwing yourself into some activity that consumes a lot of attention or energy. It can't be something passive, like watching TV, because your thoughts will just drift back to what's upsetting you. It's gotta be something active like playing sports or a musical instrument, or making something. It doesn't matter if it's painting a picture, building a shed, or baking a chocolate cake - just anything that takes your attention out of your own head. Intense card games can require a lot of focus, for instance. Whenever I visit my Dad, he always wants me to play some kind of epic strategy game. I usually resist at first, but then I get totally sucked into it.
Even if you don't play hockey or roller derby or ping pong or guitar, you can get into cheering for your local bands, teams, and theatre (or whatever floats your boat) - they'd probably love to have your support. Personally, I find volunteering for a good cause - like at a homeless shelter - super uplifting, because helping someone who really needs it is productive, and being productive feels rewarding. (But I also have friends who foster animals, etc.) Basically it reminds you that everyone has their struggles, and seeing some worse than your own is humbling, and makes it impossible to feel sorry for yourself. And there's something about helping to alleviate someone else's suffering, that also magically heals your own. It's mysterious, but it's true - I've experienced it firsthand. I think it's because we're all connected in this human race. (Between you and me, I think it's more of a gong show than an organized race, so... we're all connected in this human gong show!) Just don't for a second assume that someone who appears less fortunate than you isn't able to teach you a lot. There's a cool Scottish proverb that says, "Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat."
If humour and gratitude are the first and second keys to happiness, then I find compassion is the third. They seem to have an inverse relationship to anger or resentment - if you're increasing gratitude and compassion in your life, anger and bitterness are automatically forced to recede. I guess like Superman and Clark Kent, they can't occupy the same space at the same time? Anyway, the point is to remember that you're part of a community. Isolating yourself with those sad or bitter thoughts can only result in a shame spiral. I really think self pity and resentment work like acid to corrode our souls...
And when all of the above fails… courage, my friend. Courage is the final key. Some emotions, like grief, can't be sped up. They're with you for a long time. (Anyone who's lost a loved one knows that.) My philosophy is that life is like a topographical map - the low points are almost necessary to throw the high points into relief. It wouldn’t be right to take it out on other people - but sometimes... maybe we just have to feel bad for a little while? Maybe that's a natural part of the human experience... And trying to avoid facing it (ie: escape reality, escape consciousness) can lead to situations with worse consequences in the end.
Instead, maybe it's healthier to just acknowledge your feelings, and allow yourself to have them. Some people find writing in a journal helps to process. (Don't be too hard on yourself - with something like grief or overcoming addiction, it's likely logical that you feel the way you do. Maybe see if you can find someone who's gone through something similar, and ask them how they're managing.) But without some pain, would we know how to appreciate joy? When Abraham Lincoln said, "This, too, shall pass", he was referring to both good times AND bad times, since it's equally true for both. Even aside from any ideas about adversity building strength of character, I doubt happiness would have the same value if it were a static state of being.
I think this sums it up:
"Happiness is the most natural thing in the world when you have it, and the slowest, strangest, most impossible thing when you don’t. It’s like learning a foreign language: You can think about the words all you want, but you’ll never be able to speak it until you suck up your courage and say them out loud." - Dan Wells
"Happiness is the most natural thing in the world when you have it, and the slowest, strangest, most impossible thing when you don’t. It’s like learning a foreign language: You can think about the words all you want, but you’ll never be able to speak it until you suck up your courage and say them out loud." - Dan Wells
Despite what the advertising media will tell you, in the end, happiness is essentially a choice not an entitlement, and it's our own responsibility. Nobody owes it to us. I'm not saying it's an easy choice! Sometimes it's really not. I'm guessing it's a pretty common impulse to want to tune out by getting drunk or using whatever numbs you. But the thing is, when you come back, your problems are still right there where you left them. Plus, I kinda think that anything we might try to use to anesthetize ourselves from emotional pain, will probably automatically anesthetize us from happiness as well... And that's not a trade-off I'm willing to accept. Even though life's challenges can be intimidating, I'd rather try to believe that I'm equipped with the skills to survive pain, than to live in fear of experiencing it.
"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”
(From Invictus by William Ernest Henley)
Good points :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that happiness is a choice, although it would be inhuman to not feel sad some days. The goals is to try and have more happy days than sad. Surround yourself with "positive" people. Sure, they will have down days too but just as you are there to help them through their low times, they will be there to help you through yours. Negative people just suck the energy out of you. You have a choice who you surround yourself with and that in itself can have a huge impact on your happiness.
You're right, I totally agree. :)
ReplyDeleteI wasn't trying to be fatalistic by saying maybe we just have to feel bad sometimes, but just kind of pragmatic - that it's to be expected.
I think we get so many unrealistic messages in the media, suggesting:
1.) You should be ashamed if you don't have whatever product they're selling. And,
2.) Buying whatever product they're selling will bring you happiness.
When really both are untrue, and leave people feeling a bit betrayed, I think.
Happiness comes mostly from relationships (as you said), and from a sense of engagement/accomplishment.
Thanks Jenna. You've definitely given me some things to think about.
ReplyDelete