The Truth About Healing and Loss

I really dislike it when people say, "Everything happens for a reason."
They're usually trying to be profound (or smug, or lazy), but that's like saying, "Everything is composed of matter."
So what?!  How is that supposed to be of any real comfort or significance at this moment?

When someone says that, all I hear is a less honest variation of, "I have no idea what the possible explanation could be for why this happened."  And also possibly, "I'm actually just comforting myself that this recent traumatic event is not a sign that life is more unpredictable than I would like to admit.  So let's turn off our brains now, as insurance."  Or maybe even, "You must somehow deserve whatever happened."

My intention is not to be negative or fatalistic - it's simply to be realistic, awake.  Because life is unpredictable and unfair, so pretending it's not seems like ignoring half of what the experience of living is about!  Like walking through life without peripheral vision, or something... wouldn't you miss a lot?  A dismissive, "Everything happens for a reason," seems to chalk adversity up to some whim of the gods that we don't need to concern our little selves about.  It absolves us of any responsibility (or opportunity) to recognize the significance of this experience for ourselves, personally.

No, we can't necessarily divine the cause of any particular event, but we do have the opportunity to choose to define what it means for us.  And if we don't do that, we're just sleepwalking, aren't we? Nobody wants to experience pain, but we know that from time to time it's unavoidable.  So if, from time to time, experiencing pain is part of what it means to be alive - why not try to get something out of it? Because, dammit, if I have to suffer, I might as well look for some kind of bloody value in the experience...

I vastly prefer how the heroic Augusten Burroughs looks at it.
His wise words (possibly because they are hard-won?) really are comforting.
[Emphasis mine.]


"Heal is a television word.
It's satisfying to see somebody who has gone through adversity and come out the other side, healed.
That's almost word for word, how they might introduce a segment on healing on a talk show. 'Come out the other side.'  Like a tunnel.

But here's the thing: there are some things in life from which you do not heal.
The tunnel never ends.  There is no other side of it.

...

This is among the oldest, deepest, most primal truths: the facts of life may be, at times, unbearably painful.  But the core, the bones of life are generous beyond all reason or belief. Those things that ought to kill us do not.  This should be taken as encouragement to continue.

...

Because all of us are made not only of what we have but of what we lost.

And loss is not a subtraction.  As an experience, it is an addition.

Even when we lose a leg or an arm, there's not less of us but more.  Human experience weighs more than human tissue."

- Augusten Burroughs / 'How to Be'

Craig Cutler

“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.  

...Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough...” 

-Stephen Chbosky

Lessons from a Friend

"A friend who dies, it's something of you who dies..."
- Gustav Flaubert

Jenna Adams

I just lost a dear friend.  And Flaubert's was the quote that most closely expressed how I feel.  It seems unjust for his life to end so young, there's just no making sense of it.  My heart hurts for his family.  I still can't truly reconcile it - the idea that he's no longer physically here with us; that our wish for longer with him can't make it so.

He was warm, protective, smart, and really generous - with a hilariously dark sense of humour.  He somehow managed to be silly and quietly dignified at the same time.  Our friendship got off to an amusing start when we met at a party where (after a few drinks) I accidentally tried to introduce him to his sister.  He was one of those rare souls with whom you could have fun while doing absolutely nothing.  I felt understood by him, and it's very hard to accept that he is gone.

As soon as he told me his diagnosis (esophageal cancer), it seemed like I instantly knew his time was very short (because deep down he knew, I think), but it's still hard to believe it could happen this quickly.  It was a beautiful sunny morning a week ago when the news came that he had died - the last day of summer, in fact.  For a second the cheery weather seemed at odds with the knot of grief in my throat.  But after I cried for a few minutes, I had the sensation that the weather was warm... like him.  I had a little thought, like, "Maybe his spirit is in the sunbeams now?" and that seemed fitting.

His self-deprecating sense of humour was still present in his emails from the hospital at the beginning of summer when he first received his diagnosis - he said, "...as you can tell there is plenty of feeling sorry for myself, but the idea will be that if my time is limited to enjoy it as much as I can."  

And...

"I'm not a maudlin person, but sometimes you have to let go.  I just want you to know how important you've been to me, I've enjoyed every moment I've spent with you."

Those words of his are a gift, and I want to keep them in mind, and honour them moving forward.
And think happily of the memories...

So, I've been thinking...  Platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" don't seem comforting, they seem vague and reductive and trite.  I don't know if I'll ever see a reason for Steve to suffer and leave us so young.  Instead, I prefer the matter-of-fact way that novelist Kurt Vonnegut describes the difficult things we mortals wrestle with.  He doesn't try to explain the inexplicable, he simply says, "...And so it goes." (Slaughterhouse-Five)  That feels more right to me.  Sometimes being alive means hurting an awful lot, and there's just no pretty way of saying it.

But... my friend was brave.  So I will try to be, too.  Rather than be maudlin, I can try to think about the last lessons he leaves with me...  

And I guess it's this:  for all of us, our time is limited.  We don't know what that limit is, but we do know our time on this Earthly playground is finite.  I don't want to lose focus on what really matters - which is, in fact, very little.  Our relationships with other people are important, and not a lot else.  Not our egos, or our reputations, or our accomplishments.  I want to try to do right by the people and situations that are entrusted to my temporary care, and to try to leave more of a positive trail than a negative one in my wake.  When dealing with people, I will ask myself, as Suze Orman suggests, not only 'is it true?', but also 'is it kind?', and 'is it necessary?'

There's no making sense of his passing.  But I can accept that a lot of things are out of my control, and moving forward, I will try to sweat them far, far less...

And of those things that are in my control, my goal will be simply to leave anything in at least as good a condition as I inherited it.  To realize that whatever small gifts or talents I have are not mine, but mine to share.
Most of all, I want to savour the present moment and have more fun with it.  I want to really suck the juice out of this lemon while I can - and then leave with no regrets.

Jenna Adams

I can aim for less anxiety and distraction and fear, and more curiosity and engagement and kindness. And I intend to keep laughing.  A lot.  Laughter is like a little portal to heaven, where my friend doesn't seem so far away.

On that note, this traditional Scottish & Irish folk song sung by Ed Sheeran feels like a suitable tribute...  (An early version of the poem is sometimes attributed to Sir Alex Boswell.)

The Parting Glass 

Of all the money that e'er I had
I've spent it in good company
And all the harm that e'er I've done
Alas it was to none but me
And all I've done for want of wit
To memory now I can't recall
So fill to me the parting glass
Good night and joy be with you all

Of all the comrades that e'er I had
They are sorry for my going away
And all the sweethearts that e'er I had
They would wish me one more day to stay
But since it falls unto my lot
That I should rise and you should not
I'll gently rise and I'll softly call
Good night and joy be with you all

A man may drink and not be drunk
A man may fight and not be slain
A man may court a pretty girl
And perhaps be welcomed back again
But since it has so ordered been
By a time to rise and a time to fall
Come fill to me the parting glass
Goodnight and joy be with you all
Goodnight and joy be with you all

Jenna Adams

Cheers to you, Steve.  You were important to me too.

"What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose.  All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
- Helen Keller

"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness."
- Mark Twain

in 1906, photo by A.F. Bradley

Hail Britannia!

Perhaps it's the influence of the recent London Summer Olympics?  But I've been bitten by Britannia... and I'm smitten.

via zazzle.com

postalheritage.org.uk

One of my besties worked at the games, and periodically emailed interesting tidbits about both the Olympics & London itself.  Here's a stunning photo she sent of Beach Volleyball at Horse Guards Parade:

Diane Wild

My whole family did in fact assemble to watch the Closing Ceremonies to catch the spectacle & some of our fave musicians (Annie Lennox for my sis and I, The Who for my Dad.)  I dug the Union Jack stage, the fireworks, the British taxis and the brilliant 3D puzzle of John Lennon's face, too -

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- amazing production value from designer Es Devlin (see below).

Or maybe it's the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, the recent scandalous antics of Prince Harry, or looking at hundreds of pretty photos of charming Northern Ireland...

via tourist-destinations.com

 from another buddy's trip to the UK, that have permeated my thoughts...

Charlene Mayerle

Charlene Mayerle

Charlene Mayerle
...Either way, it seems like the fates are conspiring to insert Great Britain into my consciousness.

So because I've caught the fever for the flavour, here are a few random selections from my current Brit obsessions (because I already raved about Banksy here.) :

1.)  Es Devlin - Costume/Stage/Production Designer, Creative Director

Eamonn McCabe

This talented lady from Kent (along with her team) is the brains behind the Summer Olympic Closing Ceremonies that I mentioned above.

"One of the key factors in crafting extraordinary shows is time to rehearse in detail.  In this case, we will be setting up in 17 hours, with no rehearsal in the stadium prior to the performance in front of a billion TV viewers..."
-Es Devlin

via BeCore.tumblr

Since 1996, Ms. Devlin has been winning awards for costume/stage/production design for some of the most reputable opera, ballet, and theatre houses in the world and their productions of Faust, Carmen, Salome, Don Giovanni, and MacBeth, to name a few.

'Faust' for Semperoper Dresden - Es Devlin

'Batman Live', London - Es Devlin

Not to mention a few dazzling stage productions for some li'l ol' pop stars like Kanye West, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Muse, The Pet Shop Boys, Mika, Imogen Heap, Goldfrapp, Shakira and Jay-Z.
No big deal.

Lady Gaga 'Monster Ball' Tour - Es Devlin

set design for Take That 'Progress' tour via telegraph.co.uk

Mika show at Parc des Princes, Paris - Es Devlin

See Es Devlin's impressive oeuvre here.

2.)  Sherlock - Masterpiece Theatre miniseries, BBC One

This update on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's classic detective adventures treads the line between past & present brilliantly...  I was hooked right from the start with the great title sequence.  The combination of modern references (smartphone technology and the Afghan war) mixed with traditional (overcoats and boardinghouses and beautifully crumbling architecture) makes my pulse race.

As well, the characters are interesting and actually developed, with Benedict Cumberbatch (Atonement, The Other Boleyn Girl) giving a virtuoso performance as Holmes - fascinating not only for his keen powers of deduction, but for his complete disregard for being liked, or fitting into society.  It's a kick to live vicariously through him for an hour and a half.

Straight man Watson as played by Martin Freeman (The Hobbit, Love Actually), is a little different in this interpretation, more damaged than ditzy.  And best of all, the writing (by Mark Gatiss & Steven Moffat) rocks.  The reason this show has the edge on another good Brit detective series, Luther, (despite my fangirling of the delectable Idris Elba) is that the crime/violence aspect is perfectly tempered with dry humour.  I like mystery and suspense, but I don't like the all-out negativity and suffocating bleakness that so often accompany gratuitous CSI-type procedurals.  With Sherlock the tone can veer into creepy or macabre, but will have me laughing out loud a moment later.

©BBC

My Dad introduced me to the whole Holmes & Watson phenomenon by getting me to read The Hound of the Baskervilles the summer after fourth grade, so it was cool to see their interpretation of that particular storyline.  Another favorite episode is: A Scandal in Belgravia (an update of A Scandal in Bohemia).  I suppose I enjoyed it because it combines a lot of the elements I like - international espionage/intrigue, fashion, decor; the introduction of a smart female character; and most unlikely of all (for Sherlock's character, anyway), love - all with a cheeky sense of humour that never gets too camp.

©BBC

While this Grace Adler played by Lara Pulver (True Blood, Spooks) is a little too ruthless & amoral for my preference (a blackmailing dominatrix?, aligning with Moriarty?), there's no questioning the heat in this crackling pairing of Holmes & Adler.  Much more so than in the recent Guy Ritchie film.  (Or maybe I'm just not sure they should be played by Americans?)  Anyway, it's great fun.  Easily one of the best shows on TV.  Fingers crossed that Masterpiece will follow through with plans to start shooting the third series in early 2013.

3.) The Union Jack itself

via HD-wallpaper.biz

The British flag is simply fun to decorate with.  The Union Jack motif is just so rock n' roll as art, or on rugs, pillows or throws...

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  The options are endless, whether you prefer subtle:

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or not-so-subtle:

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Personally, I prefer something in between:

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via housetohome.co.uk

via housetohome.co.uk

A little dash of it is even fun in fashion:

designerhandbags.me.uk

Like with this retro looking leather Love Moschino 'So British' clutch, or...

designerhandbags.me.uk

...this canvas & leather Barbour 'Union Jack Dryfly' bag.

hunter-boot.com

I'm somewhat partial to this 'original Brit boot' welly from Hunter, myself.  It's perfect for downtown, or strolling across the soggy hills and moors...

Charlene Mayerle

Well, ta for now, I'm off to check out Downton Abbey.  ;)